4 Profound Questions to Ask Your Family
Families often come to me eager to tackle their problems—but stuck on where to begin, who to trust, or how to ask the questions that matter.
Start here. When you ask these four questions, you’re doing more than starting a conversation. You’re sending a message: I want to connect with you. I care about who you are. I’m willing to do the work for us to have a better relationship.
Practice these questions, and you’ll build the communication that help your family grow, heal, and solve problems together.
— Ellen
How to Use These Questions
Use good judgment on the right time and place.
Think about the tone you want to set — maybe around some existing rituals.
“I’d like to do something a little special for family dinner this week. How does that sound?”
Bring your family members in with care.
Be thoughtful in your delivery, clear in your intent, and check in with yours and others’ frame of mind. Surprising people out of the blue usually doesn’t end well.
“I found some questions that I would love for us to ask each other as a family to help us get to know one another more. Do you feel up to going through them over dinner?”
Practice active listening.
If a family member says something that surprises, hurts, or confuses you, ask a follow-up question before leaping to judgment or defensiveness. Respond in a way that makes them feel heard, while giving yourself time to reflect if you need it.
“Thank you for telling me that. I can tell it was hard for you, and that took a lot of courage. Can I take some time to think about it and come back to you?”
Take your time.
Some questions may be easy, or even delightful, to ask each other. Some may be more challenging. Don’t force the next one if it doesn’t feel right.
“Why don’t we stop here for now? We can always do the rest of the questions another time.”
Honor the effort.
Extend gratitude to yourself and each other for creating a moment of connection.
“I’m really grateful to you for trying this with me. How about we celebrate with our favorite ice cream?”
Deep breath. Ready? Let’s begin.
QUESTION #1
What can I do more of that makes you feel close to me?
QUESTION #2
What can I do less of that makes you lean away emotionally?
QUESTION #3
What do you wish I better understood about who you are and what you value?
QUESTION #4