Hi there.
I’m Ellen.
Our daughter Kat was just three. She crawled out of her crib and gleefully tootled her way into our bedroom, so proud of herself for the crib escape. I gently took her hand and walked her back into her room. As we silently stood next to the crib, she quickly realized what I was asking of her. If you can climb out, you can climb back in.
Up she went, with unexpected enthusiasm. Then, she paused with one leg over the top rail, both hands gripping hard. She turned to me, mid-fling, and with great emphasis said, “This…(pause for effect)…is the tricky part.”
This phrase became our family’s go-to for things that seem simple, but were deceptively complex. That’s how I think about family dynamics. How can something so universal, so utterly shared by so many families, be so hard?
First, a bit about me.
I have spent over 35 years studying families. I have been a student of family systems theory, trauma-based healing, grief counseling, happiness, human adaptability, leadership development, and many other theories, frameworks, and modalities on understanding relationships.
I have advised more than 150 families through all kinds of complexity – long-standing family tensions, business mergers and acquisitions, estate and governance plans, succession planning, divorces, death, and the most complicated communication challenges you can imagine.
And, through it all, I have learned that even the happiest of families are complex. Some families aren’t obviously complex. They are more subtly complex.
My Thanksgiving dinner table is a study in complexity. (Both the obvious kind and the subtle kind.) Of the 25 or so people who are there – one is our daughter, 9 are my late husband’s kids and grandkids from his prior marriage, 2 are my former husband’s kids, 6 are my sister’s kids and grandkids, and one was often my husband’s former wife (and a few of her houseguests). There’s a lot of diversity. Our family holds so many differences in the way we live, and love, and pray, and look. It is large, messy, and mostly exuberant.
I am not someone who loves messiness by nature. I prefer quiet, calm and predictable. Nothing about Thanksgiving or, more importantly, my family is any of those things. But, to the depths of my being, I believe in pitching a big tent. In creating a place where the people I love can come be themselves, be connected and belong.
For many families, the connection and sense of belonging comes at a price. Usually, the price is conformity. Don’t be too much of yourself – be just enough to still fit in. And we have in our minds – all of us do – an imperceptible calculus of just how honest we can be, just how self-revealing we can be to still maintain the important family relationships in our lives.
I have long trained families in how to have difficult conversations, and in those situations, we have to learn to break through the barriers of defensiveness and self-protection. Speaking our truth is how we bring subtle complexities to the surface. It’s also how we discover the unique, irreplaceable magic of each family member.
It may seem surprising that some families have to bring in an outside consultant to teach them how to communicate well, but some do. I have worked with business-owning families for decades, and when you have to make hundreds of business decisions together every year, you better get good at communication. Really good at communication.
In 2001, I founded Wealthbridge Partners, and later wrote my first book, A Wealth of Possibilities, after years of advising these wealthy families and their businesses.
I consider myself a seasoned expert in understanding the ways that money affects a family. Families of wealth have the resources to navigate modern waters with modern ships. And boy, have the waters been treacherous recently.
In the past decade, I facilitated conversations between family members on polarized ends of the political spectrum and religious divides. I worked to bridge intergenerational gaps between analog elders and their perpetually plugged-in grandchildren, and helped perplexed parents understand and support their very stuck young adults.
In isolation, none of these challenges are that historically unique. But, here is the troubling reality I’m witnessing:
Families have never faced (1) societal challenges of this magnitude, (2) all happening at the same time, in an era where (3) technology has fundamentally altered how we experience connection.
The nature of the modern family is changing – and parts of it are profoundly beautiful.
I am in awe – and woefully undereducated – on how my daughter can build such a deep, genuine community online, with other young people all over the world. I see more “old guard” patriarchs and matriarchs dismantle family traditions to wholeheartedly embrace diversity of identity, culture, and expression. And I witness people joining families of affinity with gorgeous ease. These things are worthy of celebration.
Yet, I am also witness to wealthy families who, despite their endless resources, are failing to adapt to today’s complexity.
And that is what worries me. If families with significant means are unable to overcome pervasive fear, extended uncertainty, and emotional reactivity, how is any family supposed to?
We are experiencing the collective traumas of a post-pandemic world, the ongoing vulnerability of our bedrock institutions, and the norms of artificial intimacy replacing human intimacy.
What do we do? How do we cope? It comes back to pitching a big tent, and gathering together with honesty and intention. Connection is the only way our families will heal and flourish.
My mission is to share my life’s work with you, so you can heal yourselves, build healthy connections with each other, and cultivate a legacy of joy.
Contact Ellen
For all inquiries, please email hello@ellenmperry.com.
Standard Bio
Ellen Miley Perry has over 35 years of experience as a strategic advisor for families with complex issues. Known for her spirited, non-judgmental, and accessible approach, Ellen is a passionate teacher of simple, practical strategies that families can use to heal themselves and build healthy connections.
In 2001, Ellen founded Wealthbridge Partners, where she helped hundreds of families of substantial wealth build more meaningful legacies. During this time, she gained expertise on the way that wealth affects families and developed practices that transform the family system and its individual members.
Before founding Wealthbridge Partners, Ellen was the co-founder and CEO of Asset Management Advisors (now GenSpring Family Offices), a multi-client family office, and Teton Trust Company, its affiliated private trust.
Ellen is the author of A Wealth of Possibilities: Navigating Family, Money and Legacy, and is a frequent speaker, author and advisor on family systems. Her work and opinions have been quoted in numerous publications, including the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Fortune Magazine, as well as several books by other authors. She is an avid hiker, cook, scuba diver, matchmaker, and will dance at the least provocation.
“Family, that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor in our innermost hearts ever quite wish to.”
